37: Top Secret Shit

Carol’s farm house. It is late evening. She sits in the foreground watching TV in her cluttered abode. Bob enters the screen door with a large carpet bag and he drags it.

Carol: Dang Nabbit. Who’s here?

Bob: Me.

Carol: Me who?

Bob: I’m just putting something in the closet.

Carol: Could you get me my footbath? Beau went to bed.

Bob: (Silence)

Carol: Bob?

Bob: (Silence)

Carol: Bob!?

Bob: What?

Carol: Did ya hear me?

Bob: Yes. This bag is heavy.

Carol: What are you bringing in here anyway?

Bob: Something a friend wants me to look after.

Carol: Look after? Look after what?

Bob: I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in it.

Carol: How can you look after something if you don’t know what your looking after?

Bob: I just am. I’m supposed to watch the bag.

Carol: Where you gonna put it?

Bob: I don’t know. Front closet.

Carol: Fine. Then get my footbath.

Bob opens the front closet. A mound of stuff falls out.

Carol: What was that?

Bob: The closet.

Carol: The closet made that noise?

Bob: No. I did. I made that noise.

Carol: Why?

Bob: Because the closet is full of shit. That’s why.

Carol: Well, god-bless-it Bob! (She gets up.)It’s not shit. It’s family things. Do I have to do everything around here?

Bob: No.

Carol: Let’s take a peeksee and see what’s in here.

Bob: No, I’m not supposed to.

Carol: Why not?

Bob: He told me not too.

Carol: He who?

Bob: My friend.

Carol: Who is he?

Bob: I didn’t say it was a he.

Carol: You did too, bless-it-all. You said he told me not to.

Bob: So? Doesn’t mean I mean a he.

Carol: Fine. Let’s get this cleaned up. I have to work in the morning.

Bob: Fine.

They clean.

Carol: Awww. My bunions ache. You have to go get my footbath now. I said now.

He exits. Carol looks over the bag and at one point begins to unzip it.

Carol: Say, Bob. I don’t know if I want this in here. What is it anyhow?

Bob: (off) I told ya. I don’t know.

Carol: Why don’t you know?

Bob: They didn’t tell me.

Carol: Why?

Bob: (off) They said it was top secret.

Carol: I see.

Bob: (off) I want to help my friend. Let’s keep it top secret.

Carol: That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said, I think.

Bob: (off) Well, thank you, ma’m. I just wanna respect- (He enters.) Hey, whattya doin?

Carol: Why, nothing.

Bob: Don’t look like nothing.

Carol: Can you blame me?

Bob: No, but you have to respect this.

Carol: It’s my house, Bob.

Bob: You said that me, Tyler, and my brother Beau could live here.

Carol: That I did.

Bob: And we will. If you don’t look in there.

Carol: Are you blackmailing me?

Bob: No. But I will let you look in there on one condition.

Carol: What’s that?

Bob: You bring Janet here tomorrow.

Carol: I can’t do anything of the kind. I can’t promise you her.

Bob: I’m not asking you to promise me her. I’m asking her to come over. I think she’s pretty.

Carol: A lot of boys think she’s pretty. But she’s dumb and- and- and- NO! Just no. Gimme this and get out to your bunk.

Bob: First I gotta put this bag in here.

Carol: Fine.

Carol takes the footbath to her chair and sets it down grimacing.

Bob: (after putting the bag in the closet) Now I meant what I said, Carol.

Carol: Uh, huh. Got it.

Bob: Are you listening to me?

Carol: I heard you. I can’t look in the bag. Get out of my house.

Bob: I just want to make sure.

Carol: Watching my program. I can’t hear you sweetie. (She turns the volume of some game show up really loudly.)

Bob exits. Carol looks after the slamming door. Silence and only the flicker of the TV. After awhile, Carol gets up and turns off some lights. Only her chair is illuminated by the set. She comes back after awhile with some popcorn. She creeps over to the closet. She opens the door. Bob is there with a flashlight in her face. Carol screams.

Bob: What did I say to you?

Carol: Robert, you scared me half to death!

Bob: I know. I snuck back in here when I saw the lights go out.

Carol: Look at all this popcorn.

Bob: Carol, do you want to die?

Carol: Are you threatening me, Robert?

Bob: No. But the person who gave me the bag threatened me. They said if anybody looked in the bag, they would die.

Carol: Oh yeah?

Bob: Yeah.

Carol: I don’t think I would die.

Bob: I do. Now go sit down before I make you.

Carol: I should kick you out of here right now. Make me die? You talk about respect, young man and you threaten me and- and-

Bob: Who would do your farm work?

Carol: (Silence.)

Bob: None would do this for so little-

Carol: Fine. Fine. Just go to bed. I promise I won’t look in there tonight.

Bob: I’ll let you look if you bring Janet tomorrow.

Carol: But won’t I die?

Bob: No. I wouldn’t let them hurt you.

Carol: I don’t even want that bag here now.

Bob: Where’s it gonna go now? I’m not luggin’ that shit anywhere at this hour.

Carol: I want it out by tomorrow night! This is my house and I don’t want unidentified objects here.

Bob: Okay. I can get rid of it in the morning.

Carol: You better. I mean it.

Bob: If you bring Janet here.

The screen door slams with his exit.

Bob: (off) Oh and close the closet door. I forgot.

The closet door is slammed closed.

Carol: There. You happy now? Oh. I’m cleaning up this popcorn in the morning.