19: Do not lie so near.

Janet’s Living Room. Janet waits anxiously by the door. Michael bursts in with a wrapped package.

Michael: Surprise!

Janet: Oh. For me?

Michael: Yes. I got it this morning.

Janet: (ripping off the paper) What is it?

Michael: It’s a frame for your puzzle. I got it since Paula’s kid broke yours last night.

Janet: You called her Paula.

Michael: Yeah, so?

Janet: You said you would feel strange calling her Paula.

Michael: You remember that?

Janet: Yeah.

Michael: You have a mind like a steal trap.

Janet: Is that good?

Michael: Can be. For somethings, but I only call her Ms. Pluckston to get her goat.

Janet: Get her goat?

Michael: It’s an expression. It’s what you say when you mean you are really pissing somebody off.

Janet: Oh.

Michael: I hope you like the frame.

Janet: I do.

Michael: It was on sale, but I thought it was pretty.

Janet: Will it fit my puzzle?

Michael: Looks like it will or I will go out and get another one tomorrow.

Janet: Let’s put it together tonight.

Michael: Tonight? I’m rather tired. I think I will go to my room and get some sleep.

Janet: You sure you want that room.

Michael: Yeah. It looks cosy.

Janet: It’s the linen closet. How can you sleep comfortably?

Michael: I can.

Janet: We had to take out all the drawers and sheets so you could even lay down.

Michael: I don’t mind. Really. I don’t.

Janet: Okay.

Michael: So I’m gonna go to bed?

Janet: Do you think you have to?

Michael: No. I want to.

Janet: Oh. Okay.

Michael: Are you upset?

Janet: No. I – I-

Michael: What?

Janet: I don’t want to be rude.

Michael: You aren’t being rude.

Janet: But I don’t want you to go to bed.

Michael: But I want to go to bed.

Janet: with me?

Silence. Janet’s telephone rings after awhile she goes to answer it.

Janet: Hello? . . .Yes. . .okay. . . .okay. okay. Okay. Geez. (She presses a button on her phone.) It’s Paula.

Michael: Oh.

Janet’s door bursts open. There stands Paula with her hair on end, make-up smeared and her blouse half torn. If she was a dragon, you’d see her smoke and flames.

Paula: Janet Windhover, this is Paula calling, your best friend, and I have been calling for three hours. I have been worried sick. You didn’t answer when I called you three hundred times.

Janet: Why did you call three hundred times?

Paula: Because we had a library date. Remember?

Janet: Yeah I remember. At five.

Michael: Sure, three hours of calling.

Janet: But I forgot.

Paula: Oh. It’s apparent that you forgot. What were you doing anyway?

Janet: I went to Carol’s house.

Paula: Why?

Janet: (thinking) I wanted to.

Paula: Janet you told me you would go to the library with me.

Janet: No. I said I would like to go, but then you said you’d call me.

Paula: And I did call and you did not answer.

Janet: A call is not admitting that I want to go.

Paula: Exactly. But I have been your guardian for sixteen years. If you don’t answer when you say you’re going to does not mean that I am not going to get worried.

Janet: I never said I’d answer.

Paula: You know you did wrong, Janet, you know you did.

Michael: I don’t think she did. She has a point.

Paula: Listen you. Don’t get in the middle of this.

Michael: Where were you the last three months of our lives? Paula. I’m the new replacement. I’m going to be her husband. Okay? Right Janet, right?

Janet: (laughing) Right!

Michael: And I’m going to take care of her. You two can be friends or whatever, but the fact of the matter is, you don’t have to worry about her anymore.

Janet: Yeah, my dad says that you have to give up worrying about the ones you love.

Paula: Your dad is a nincompoop snob. I don’t want to discuss him, I want to discuss you. Janet I’m worried about you. I even called Carol several times and SHE did not answer. I didn’t know where you could have gone. I thought that maybe you’d have been hit by a car or in the hospital.

Janet: You thought that about me?

Paula: Yes. And I called all of them too. I also went there.

Janet: For me?

Paula: Yes for you. I’m serious. If you thought that about someone you loved. . .if you thought that about Michael, that he went to the hospital or was killed on the street, you would be upset. . .you would be angry, no?

Janet: I guess so.

Michael: How are often are people killed on the street? Get real, Ms. Pluckston. Janet doesn’t guess right. You need to leave. We are about to go to bed.

Janet: Yes, yes we were.

Paula: Just promise me Janet that if I tell you I am going to call that you will be there to answer.

Janet: How can I promise that? I don’t know the future.

Paula: But you can try to know it by planning to answer it.

Janet: Okay. Okay.

Paula: AND if you don’t answer, then I will know it’s an emergency.

Michael: Oh please, brother. You are obsessed with my fiancée.

Janet: What’s a fiancée?

Paula: Janet you understand what I am saying though don’t you? After all, your boyfriend can’t give me the correct phone number to even get a hold of him.

Michael: I moved, Paula. I had my phone disconnected this morning.

Paula: Then they already gave out your number to somebody else!

Michael: Anything can happen Paula, if there’s a will and there’s a way.

Paula: Excuse me? Are you-

Michael: Nevermind. Just forget it. Janet and I share a number now.

Janet: What number is that?

Michael: Our phone number is the same.

Janet: Oh.

Paula: Janet, I want you to be safe and you have to promise me you’ll be safe.

Michael: She’ll be safe. She’ll be safe.

Janet: I promise.

Paula: Okay. Can we –the both of us together- go to the library tomorrow?

Janet: Yes.

Michael: She promises.

Paula: I will call you at 10 in the morning. Will you be up and ready to answer the phone?

Janet: I will try.

Paula: You will.

Michael: She will. I will see to it.

Paula: Good. Now I apologize to the both of you for your discussing this problem with me, and putting my fears at ease. I am sorry to have bothered you, but you can understand how worried someone can get.

Michael: I think your worrying is very valiant and I admire your carefulness with someone I love, but your apologies are not needed here. Please go home for the night, Ms. Pluckston.

Janet: He did it again. He switched your name.

Paula: What?

Michael: Nevermind. Thanks again. Now do you need some water for the road or?

Paula: No, no. no I feel so silly. Wait. What’s that?

Michael: What’s what?

Paula: That.

Janet: Oh that’s a frame for my puzzle.

Paula: But that, what’s that?

Janet: That’s the wrapping paper it came in.

Michael: I got Janet a new frame for a present for the puzzle that your son broke.

Paula: But I gave you money for that frame.

Michael: Yeah. So?

Paula: (to Janet) I would like that money back then please.

Michael: Wait. What?

Janet: Why?

Paula: Because you obviously got a replacement and you don’t need my money.

Michael: But your son broke it.

Janet: Yeah.

Paula: Yeah so I should have paid for the frame.

Michael: You did. You gave the money to Janet.

Paula: Yes, but you bought her a frame as a gift. So you paid for it.

Michael: I don’t get your meaning.

Paula: The money was my sentiment to Janet. Now you’ve ruined that with your gift.

Michael: You are a case worker?

Paula: What’s that supposed to mean?

Michael: For a case worker you are one of the most insensitive people I have ever met. Look at this hour it’s 7:30. We are going to go to bed and you come barging in here so worried insulting and annoying both of us and we are about to have some peace and quiet and you start bitching about this? No. No. That money you owed Janet for a new frame because your son fucking broke the old one. Janet then gets the money. It is transcribed to be used by her free will since the money becomes her property. Now she doesn’t have to buy a frame with it, she can do whatever she wants, but you have monetarily paid your respects to Janet for the broken frame. The End.

Paula: Janet, do you always go to bed this early?

Janet: No.

Michael: Quit bothering us, Ms. Pluckston.

Paula: I should go Janet, your fiancée is quite irate.

Janet: Will somebody tell me what a fiancée is?

Paula: I will at the library. I have to go.

Janet: Paula. Wait. Paula.

Paula: What?

Janet: Here’s your money back.

Paula looks at Janet’s outstretched hand.

Paula: Oh no. I couldn’t. It’s yours now. Good night. I’m calling tomorrow.

Janet: Okay.

Paula: Bye.

Paula exits the apartment.

Janet turns to find herself alone in the room. She doesn’t move.

Janet: Michael?

Michael: (in the closet) Yeah?

Janet: Are you sleeping?

Michael: No.

Janet: Can I ask you a question?

Michael: How many more?

Janet: Just one.

Michael: What is it?

Janet: Since you told Paula that you would make sure I was up, will you sleep in my room with me?

Michael: Why?

Janet: in my bed?

Michael: That’s more than one question. But the answer to all of them is no.

Janet: Okay.

Janet doesn’t move. She stands still for a long while.

Michael: Janet?

Janet: Yeah.

Michael: I mean we aren’t even married yet.

Janet: Can I ask more than one question?

Michael: Go ahead. That’s already number four or five anyway.

Janet: Wait. I’ll say it as a statement. The question has the words do, you, love, me, in it. Maybe not in the same order.

Michael: (slight pause) The answer would be yes.

Janet: I love you too.

Michael: Good night, Janet.

Janet: Good night, Michael. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Michael: Don’t be like Paula.

Janet: Okay.

She goes to her room.